Freedom from Negative Parenting
Sadly, too many adults reflect on their childhood and recognize that they were parented through a negative style: authoritarian, permissive or neglectful. I understand the effects of both neglectful and authoritarian parenting. One parent was largely absent after divorce while the other, as caregiver for three children, was authoritarian. Most often, true emotional connection was missing and there were conditional consequences for any failures or shortcomings. Love was withdrawn for bad behaviors, like a “B” on a test. When a child feels that their basic need of love is withheld when they make a mistake, they often develop fears, anxieties, and insecurities like low self-esteem at the very least. For me, especially as the oldest child, I mastered how to people please, lived as a perfectionist and struggled with anxiety, always wondering if I would be rejected for not meeting the impossible responsibility of making someone happy “or else.”
The good news is that I learned as a young adult that l already had the only perfect parent possible, God the Father. While I accepted Christ as Savior as a child, I had a limited understanding of the fullness of what that meant. I believed I was forgiven of my sins and would one day live eternally in heaven, but I didn’t grasp the unconditional love of God. Somehow, I viewed God as an angry parent, ready to scold and punish for every shortcoming. In my mind, I knew I had nothing to earn because Christ had already pleased the Father on my behalf with His sacrificial atonement for sin on the cross. I knew He held the power over death and sin through His resurrection and ascension. However, deep in the crevices of my inmost being, I was conditioned to feel that I still needed to do something to please or repay God for loving me.
Because of consistent Bible reading, steady truthful Scriptural teaching in studies and church, mentors and some good counseling, I was set free to be who God intended me to be, Brooke, His daughter in His family. It was only then that I learned to completely and freely forgive as I am freely forgiven. I learned the important word of “no,” and the joyful word of “yes” in Christ.
With my own parenting, I unlearned some things and embraced grace-filled parenting with lots of hugs, praise, apologies, proper limits and lots of prayers. While it is easier to give my own children room to grow, I still struggle with some of these personality traits compounded with these additional factors. I can say that with the help of Christ and the Holy Spirit at work, I have grown immensely in these areas. I also learned to be thankful for each of the things my parents did well, especially my primary parent, to forgive the things done poorly, and to not fall into the traps of the adversary from those formative years. It is because of the work of Christ that I do not have to repeat negative parenting.
My days are spent with immense gratitude because 2 Corinthians 5:17. states: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Jesus transformed me from the inside-out. I am free to live as He wants me to live, and with the perfect Fatherhood of God, I will never be rejected. Jesus paid for my past, present and future sins. When I talk to Him, He doesn’t bring them up to condemn me. My response is a thanksgiving of worship and service, because the Lord helps me to choose that, rather fear His discipline for disappointment because of my mistakes. I am free in Christ, indeed.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank You for never abandoning me, for never withholding Your love from me, for sending Jesus to die for me so that I may live eternally with You. Thank You that You made me a new creation in Christ Jesus, my Lord. Help me to forgive continually, to guide with wisdom my “yes” and my “no” responses, and to fear You with awe and reverence.
In His name, I pray. Amen.